


Mourning Crow

by phoenixquest



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Death, Gen, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4161681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixquest/pseuds/phoenixquest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Selana Cousland goes to the Deep Roads, and is terrified of ever going back. The thought of her eventual Calling drives her into a panic, and Zevran tries to comfort her. Years later, she asks Zevran to do the impossible - to finish his contract. She can't go into the Deep Roads, and she can't let the taint consume her. Zevran agrees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mourning Crow

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this quite some time ago, during my first playthrough of Origins last year. My Cousland was romancing Alistair, but had a special soft spot for Zevran, too (who doesn't?) Anyway, Selana didn't care for the Deep Roads and couldn't stand the thought of dying down there, so Zevran - caring for her as much as he does - offers to kill her. This story is about how that goes down. Very sad, very upsetting, all the warnings. I highly suggest not reading this unless you're in an emotional place to handle it. I didn't check "graphic violence" for this because he doesn't do anything violent to her, but there is a bit of a description of being stabbed and blood.

Zevran awoke suddenly, feeling uneasy though he wasn’t sure why. He lay still in his small tent, listening hard; surely if they were about to be attacked, the Wardens would have sensed it. Not to mention the dog. All seemed quiet, however. Just as he’d decided to give up and roll over to try and get more comfortable, he heard something. A strange, low keening noise, with a hiccupping sound to follow. Someone was crying.

Curiosity naturally got the better of the Antivan, and so he padded barefoot out of his tent, still sleepy-eyed, to look for who was still awake to be so upset. To his very great surprise, his eyes landed upon Selana, their leader and one of the two Grey Wardens in their group. He was sure he’d never seen her do anything close to crying before. She was stoic, and though she was soft-hearted, she was brave and always had hold of herself.

Then again, she _had_ just been days in the Deep Roads, and that was bound to get to anyone.

He knew better than to go over and speak with her; her precious Alistair would surely handle it in any case, and he knew the man already hated him for his flirtatious nature with the red-haired noble. Selana didn’t seem to mind it as much, though. And knowing better had certainly never stopped him _before_.

“My Warden?” Zevran asked quietly, approaching the woman near the edge of camp where she sat on the ground, cross-legged with her hound’s head in her lap. The Mabari kept licking her sympathetically, and Zevran tried not to shudder at the idea of the dog’s slobber. Selana was obviously startled, as she glanced up in fear and then, upon recognizing him, wiped her eyes quickly and cleared her throat.

“Zevran,” she said, her voice thick though she clearly tried to control it. “What – what are you doing up?”

“Well, never let it be said that Zevran was one to make a pretty girl cry alone,” Zevran grinned, coming closer to her.

“I’m not crying,” she sniffled, wiping at her nose. “I’m just…just…go away, Zevran.” He snorted.

“If it will make you feel better, I will not tease,” Zevran promised. “But, do tell me, Grey Warden, what has upset you so? I do not believe I have ever seen you like this.”

“Because you’re not meant to,” Selana choked. “No one…is.” A hearty sniffle. Zevran ignored her, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“Then I shall not tell them, yes?” Zevran said, his voice much more serious than usual. “Come, pretty one. Talk to Zevran.” At that, it seemed, she could hold herself back no longer, and pulled the elf to her, clutching at him as though her life depended on it as she broke down into renewed sobs.

“So…stupid,” she wailed, though quietly. He stroked her hair as she clung to his middle, caught quite off guard but wishing to help anyway. “Not…not fair. Don’t…want…this.”

“That’s it,” Zevran murmured gently, running his fingers over her hair and rubbing her back with the other hand. “Get it out, yes.” He held her while she mumbled disjointed sentences for a while longer until she finally began to calm down, and then he extracted himself from her grip and sat down beside her, an arm around her shoulders.

“So foolish,” she mumbled thickly, her sobs reduced to a few odd hiccups now and then. “To break down like this.”

“Ah, but it is not,” Zevran said kindly, rubbing her arm. “No one can hold everything in all the time. And you, my Warden, are stronger than most.” She gave a humorless laugh.

“Right,” she said. “Which is why I’m the one crying on your shoulder, yet Alistair’s just fine.”

“Yes, but the offer does not extend to him,” Zevran said cheekily. “It is a limited pass, to be allowed to cry on my shoulder.” Selana managed a slightly more realistic laugh this time, which had been Zevran’s goal. “You are feeling overwhelmed, yes?” he guessed. “With leading this group, and all we must do?”

“No,” Selana said, shaking her head. “I mean…well, yes, a little,” she amended. “But that’s…not what this is about.”

“Then tell me,” Zevran purred. “I want to hear exactly what this is about, my Grey Warden.” She choked out another sob at the words, piquing his interest. “You are worried about being a Grey Warden?”

“Yes,” Selana sniffled, turning so her face was buried in his shoulder. He simply held her head to him, offering what comfort he could. “I…Maker, it’s stupid.”

“It is a large burden,” Zevran nodded. “It is understandable that it would make one pause now and again. Perhaps you should talk to your fellow Warden about this?” he suggested.

“He doesn’t understand,” Selana said sadly, scooting closer to Zevran even as one hand stroked her dog. “He thinks…he thinks it’s an honor. He’s…excited about it.”

“Well…it _is_ an honor,” Zevran said, confused. “Provided you are into that sort of thing, of course. To become a Grey Warden – “

“That isn’t what I mean,” Selana interrupted, her thick voice harsher now, and he felt her tense further. “I mean…the Calling.”

“The what?” Zevran asked, interested.

“The Calling,” Selana said, and she began to tremble. “It…to become a Warden…is to be tainted,” she whispered. She wasn’t sure she was supposed to tell anyone, but she didn’t really care at the moment. “And eventually…it catches up to you. You may have thirty years to live,” she went on, her voice so quiet now that Zevran could barely hear it. “And that’s if you’re incredibly lucky.”

“Oh,” Zevran said, his voice catching in his throat. Well, _that_ was new information, and he didn’t particularly like hearing it. “Well, all the more reason to make it worthwhile now,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.

“We could all die tomorrow,” Selana said fiercely, her fire returning. “That isn’t the point. It’s…when your time is coming…you begin to have dreams. And…tradition dictates that when you know…you go into the Deep Roads,” she said, her voice suddenly as soft as before. “Take out as many darkspawn as you can, until you’re overwhelmed and…slain.” There was silence for a full minute; Zevran had no idea how to reply to this.

“So…you…you go out fighting, yes?” he finally said weakly. He didn’t realize his grip on her had tightened. Whatever she might mean to Alistair…he was very fond of Selana, and this was painful to contemplate.

“But I don’t want to,” Selana said brokenly. “I am a coward, Zevran, a pure coward. I am a warrior…I ought to want to go fight these things to my death. Alistair does,” she added. “He…he thinks it an honorable way to die.”

“I suppose it would be,” Zevran murmured.

“And I should,” Selana choked out. “I ought to feel as he does. But…”

“Yes?” he prompted when she didn’t go on.

“I can’t, Zevran, I can’t,” Selana wailed all at once, breaking down into tears again. “I can’t go down there to die, I can’t die alone and injured in that stone prison! I can’t do it, I can’t, and I don’t have a choice but to let the blasted taint take me!” She stomped her foot in frustration, one fist coming over to hit Zevran’s chest as well, though it was hardly enough to hurt. He swallowed; he couldn’t imagine it either. Going to fight with the intention of letting yourself be slain, alone, exhausted, hurt, and afraid? At least his own expectations had been a quick death, over before he could worry about it.

“There is always a choice,” Zevran finally managed. “There is always another way.”

“But it is the _coward’s_ way!” Selana insisted. “I am a warrior, I ought to want nothing more than to die in battle!”

“Dying in battle is quite a different thing than offering yourself up for sacrifice because you have fought too long and too hard,” Zevran said firmly. “My Warden, you must know this. It does not make you a coward. I…I would not want to die there, either.”

“It was horrible,” Selana said as she cried. “ _Horrible_ , Zevran. I’m…I’m glad I made you stay behind. So many things…I would die down there, never to see the light again, and my body would just…be _eaten_. And the spiders,” she added, trembling harder. Oh, how he knew she hated the spiders. He always made a point to try and kill them before they got too close to her.

“Then there will be another way,” Zevran said, his mind already working. He had already been sent to assassinate her once, hadn’t he? If it would ease her suffering, surely he could finish the task, years down the road. Couldn’t he?

“But there isn’t,” Selana whimpered, causing the Mabari to lick her hand again. “Unless I simply let the taint take me. It would be…a horrible way to go.”

“I know,” Zevran said softly. No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t even suggest it, the idea was so painful. He could never harm the woman, not now that he knew her. “But that is many years away, yes?” he added. “As you said, any of us could die tomorrow. Perhaps we ought to cross that bridge when we get to it.” She laughed, a small sound but it was there nonetheless.

“You’re such an optimist,” she said to him, shaking her head in disbelief.

“I’m not sure that ‘we could die tomorrow’ counts as optimism,” Zevran said dryly. “But it is still true. It will not do anything to worry about it now; it will not change anything. So perhaps, for now, it is best forgotten, yes?”

“You’re right,” Selana sniffled, pulling back and sitting up properly again. “Of course you’re right. I…I should not have gotten so upset to begin with.”

“That is not what I meant,” Zevran corrected. “Of course you must be able to talk about it first, my Warden. To let it out, to say it aloud, to release it. But now that you have…perhaps you can move on from that part.”

“Indeed,” Selana said, nodding as she wiped her eyes again. “Thank you, Zevran. I…I tried to talk with Alistair. I thought he’d understand, but…”

“He is a warrior, and he wears it differently than you do,” Zevran said, shrugging. “It happens. And my dear Warden,” he added, keeping his voice serious so she’d know he meant it, “please, do not hesitate to seek me out, should you need to talk about anything like this again. I…I will be there.” Selana then gave him a brilliant smile, the most sincere he’d seen since she returned from the Deep Roads. His heart fluttered.

“I will, Zev,” she murmured. “Thank you so much.” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek – he felt smug and annoyed at the same time, picturing Alistair’s reaction if he knew – and then got to her feet with a yawn. “I think I’ll go to sleep.”

“Dream sweet, my Grey Warden,” Zevran smiled at her, hoping he’d eased her worries enough for that, at least. Her nightmares already were enough to keep her from sleeping properly most nights anyway.

He watched her into her tent, knowing she’d be cuddling up to Alistair then, and made a face in their direction. The Mabari had gotten to her feet then and licked at his hand, looking for food.

“I don’t have anything for you,” he sighed, looking over at the dog. The hound’s expressive eyes were locked on him, and he could swear he saw sympathy in them. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing,” he said decisively to the dog. “I would be much better than that Alistair.” The dog whined, but licked his hand again. “Well, what do you know,” Zevran snorted. “You’re a dog.” The dog put a paw on his knee and he rolled his eyes, finally reaching out to pet her. He’d swear she smiled.

*****

_Fifteen years later…_

“You seem very serious today, my Warden,” Zevran remarked as he sat with Selana on the balcony of the estate in Highever, just outside her bedroom. Alistair had left two years previous, heading for the Deep Roads while still able to fight. He had wished for Selana’s company, of course, but the woman was so afraid of the Roads that even for her love, her husband, she could not go. Zevran had become closer to her than ever in those two years, though never quite close enough; but he would take it.

“Hmm? I’m sorry,” Selana said wearily. She was still young, still quite beautiful, but there were dark circles under her eyes and she nearly always looked exhausted. She’d had nightmares since Alistair had left; her fear for the place he’d gone was such that she couldn’t bear to even imagine him down there. Once Zevran had known, he had begun to stay with her at night – never doing anything inappropriate, as much as he might like to, because she wouldn’t allow such a thing in faithfulness to her late husband. But just to be _with_ her. “My mind is elsewhere.”

“As it often is these days,” Zevran said. The nightmares had gotten worse of late; no longer for her lost love, but for the taint that consumed her. “Will you tell me what your mind is on?”

“I’ve made arrangements,” Selana said softly. “Fergus will be able to continue without my advisement.”

“Indeed he will, my Warden,” Zevran agreed, keeping his voice neutral. He knew why she was telling him this, but wanted to pretend it wasn’t so, even for a little bit longer. “Though none could surpass you, I think.” Selana flashed him a smile, small but genuine.

“Always so flattering,” she said, shaking her head. She’d been unconditionally grateful for his near-constant presence in her life as of late. She knew the rumors – it was suspected she was sleeping with him – but as she was the honored Hero of Ferelden, no one dared speak it. “Zevran,” she sighed, reaching for his hand. “My dearest friend.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Zevran admonished, shaking his head. “If I am to be without you soon, let us not make the process worse, yes?” Selana’s smile faded.

“I know,” she murmured. “I’m sorry.”

“Have you changed your mind, then?” Zevran asked softly, eyeing her. He knew her answer – she’d never go to the Deep Roads. He knew where this was leading. And yet, he still managed to hope it wouldn’t. “Will you follow Alistair?” She shuddered.

“N-no,” she said. “I…I can’t, Zev, you know that. I…not there. Alone. And afraid. And hurt. I…I don’t want it to hurt,” she added softly, pain in her eyes already as she looked back up at him. “Zevran.” He sighed. He could pretend no longer.

“Yes, my Warden,” he whispered, trying not to choke on the words. “You will not be alone.”

“You’ll finally get to fulfill your contract,” she teased, her voice hollow. Zevran forced a laugh.

“Indeed,” he managed. “So this is what you have decided, then?”

“It is,” Selana nodded. “Zev…I…I’m sorry,” she added. “I know it’s…”

“Impossible,” Zevran said, shaking his head as he brought her hand to his lips. “But I shall do it anyway. How long?”

“Tonight,” Selana said at once. He stared. “I…I can’t handle the dreams again. They are…too much.”

“Tonight it will be, then,” he said, swallowing hard. No sense drawing it out, after all – it would not make it any easier. “Meet me at the gate at dusk.”

“Where are you going?” Selana asked, squeezing his fingers.

“I must make a few preparations,” Zevran said, trying to smile. It felt like everything inside of him was crushing into dust. But he couldn’t let her know that. “Enjoy your day, my Warden,” he said as he got up, brushing a kiss against her forehead. “I will see you this evening.”

“Why not here?” she asked as she let go of his hand. “Why at the gate?”

“You will see,” Zevran said. “Trust me.”

“Of course I trust you,” Selana murmured, watching him go. He tried not to let on that his heart cracked in half.

*****

That evening, no one saw their grand Hero sneak out of the castle wearing her favorite dress, a hood to cover her face and distinctive red hair. No one saw her take the hand of a cloaked and hooded elf, and no one saw them run off together toward the stream.

Once the two were well out of sight of anyone in the castle or even the town, a secluded clearing surrounded by a copse of trees, he stopped and turned to her.

“As I’m sure you know,” he said, a sly look in his eyes, “all contracts require payment.” Selana smiled faintly.

“You know you are welcome to whatever of my wealth you desire,” she said.

“I request a different form of payment,” Zevran murmured. “I wish a kiss from my Warden.” Her eyes turned sad.

“Of course,” she whispered, bending down slightly to press her lips against his. Even knowing what was coming, he couldn’t stop his heart from leaping, knowing that _finally_ , he got to kiss her. She wasn’t gentle about it, either – she kissed him with the force of years of pent-up passion, nearly devouring him.

It wasn’t until several minutes later she finally pulled away, leaving both of them breathless.

“Will that suffice?” she asked, looking somewhat exhilarated. He smiled softly.

“That is enough payment to last a lifetime, my Warden,” he said. “I see you are wearing my dress.” She smiled at him.

“It is my favorite, so it seemed fitting,” she nodded. It was a deep blue fabric, embroidered with gold patterns, and he’d given it to her as a wedding present when she married Alistair. Direct from Antiva, he’d told her.

“Ah, so it is,” Zevran said. “An Antivan dress to go with your Antivan brandy.”

“You brought some?” she asked, her eyes lighting up. He knew she’d liked the stuff since he’d first let her taste it.

“Of course, my Warden,” Zevran said, pulling away from her and bowing slightly. “Now, if you will join me,” he added, taking out the brandy and two goblets before sitting on the ground.

“Is it to be poison, then?” she asked, sitting next to him. He looked mildly offended as he poured the goblets full of brandy.

“You think me so crude?” he retorted. “I shall not poison you to death, for why would I want you to suffer?”

“Then what is that?” she asked dryly as he put a drop of something in her drink, right before her eyes. He smiled.

“I would not hide it from you,” he said, offering her the drugged glass. “This, my Warden, will cause you to sleep. Then…I shall take care of you.” He said it so softly, a loving caress in his voice, he might have been speaking of something else entirely. She tried not to shudder – this was getting more terrifying by the moment, but there was no turning back, and it was infinitely better than the alternative.

“I thank you, then,” Selana nodded, trusting him. If he said it wouldn’t poison her or cause her pain, she knew he was telling the truth. She took a drink – it tasted just the same as she expected.

“To lives lived fully,” Zevran said, holding his goblet up for a toast.

“And to dear friends,” Selana nodded, clinking her goblet to his.

“This is why I brought you out here,” Zevran said after a while, scooting closer to her and putting an arm around her. “You did not want to die in the dark, stone tunnels, yes? And here you can see the sky, the trees.”

“Yes,” Selana nodded. She could certainly be grateful for that. She finished her drink then, drinking more quickly than she usually might out of nerves. Zevran seemed to notice, because he pulled her into his arms, settling her between his legs and leaning her back onto him. He kissed her temple.

“You can see the stars here,” he murmured. “You will never be trapped up here. And you will not be alone,” he added.

“I know,” Selana nodded, swallowing anxiously. She felt him reach for something, and then saw the flash of a dagger. She flinched; she couldn’t help it.

“Easy, my Warden,” Zevran said gently, setting the dagger down by his side. “Do not be afraid.”

“I…I can’t help it,” she said, trembling now. “It seems so strange…being willingly stabbed with a dagger.”

“Perhaps, but when I do it you will not know it,” Zevran murmured reassuringly.

“Will it hurt?” she whispered.

“No, my Warden,” Zevran whispered back, kissing her head again. “You will not feel a thing. You have my word.” He almost felt himself starting to shake as well, but forced it away; he couldn’t do this, not now. After – that was when he could grieve. Now – she needed her professional assassin. “Do you recognize the blade?” he asked, and she glanced over at it. Somehow, she smiled.

“The Rose’s Thorn,” she murmured. She had painstakingly earned the money to buy it, saving everything she could just to give it to him in those days when they had so little money, traveling around Ferelden. She had simply told him, upon finally giving it to him, he was worth it.

“Naturally,” Zevran nodded. He had spent the afternoon making the sleeping drug for her drink and then sharpening and shining his favorite dagger, determined to do things properly. There _was_ a morbid beauty to the situation, if one chose to see it, after all.

“Zev?” Selana murmured.

“Yes, my Warden,” Zevran said, rubbing his hands up and down her arms, trying to calm her shaking.

“Tell me about Antiva,” she pleaded. He smiled.

“Of course,” he agreed, and began telling her once again of his homeland, of the hot summer nights, the parties, the drink, the food. He knew she loved his tales, and it was clearly soothing her. He paused for breath at one point, and she sighed softly, clearly near sleep.

“I love you, Zevran,” she murmured. “I hope you know that.”

“Ah, and I love you, my dear Warden,” Zevran whispered back, unable to stop one more kiss to her cheek. He felt tears prick his eyes despite his determination. “I always have.”

“Call me by my name,” she said, her lips barely moving.

“My Selana,” Zevran said, squeezing her tightly. “My dearest Selana.” A ghost of a smile came over her lips.

“Thank you,” she whispered. He knew what she meant it for.

“Sleep now, my sweet,” he said, swallowing hard and forcing himself not to lose it. He couldn’t, not now. “Rest, and you will awaken in peace.” He held her to him until her breathing evened out; she was fast asleep. The time had come.

He forced himself to remain calm as he reached for his dagger. He could not shake like this; he would _not_ hurt her. He would not let her suffer. Steeling himself, he found his hand steadied, and he moved back just slightly enough that her back rested on the ground, her head still in his lap. A tear fell from his eye onto her forehead – he couldn’t stop it, it was impossible now. At least she was asleep. She need never know.

Taking a deep breath, he made the single hardest movement of his entire life. He plunged the dagger into her chest – he knew exactly where to hit, and her death would be quick. Pulling it back out, watching the blood stain her blue dress, he allowed himself to shake. A quiet sob choked forward from his throat, but he had been right – she did not wake. It wasn’t long until he could no longer feel her breath on his fingertips at her lips, and he knew she was safely gone.

“Be at peace, my beautiful Warden,” Zevran choked, pressing one last kiss to her forehead. He got unsteadily to his feet, picking up his dagger. Usually he would wipe the bloodied blade on his victim, but somehow this seemed more fitting. Her blood would stain it forever.

He bent down and tucked her hair back from her face as she lay frozen in death, the corners of her mouth turned slightly up. The caw of a crow echoed nearby, and he saw it fly into the air – he was certain the creature had not been there a moment before. He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why I finally decided to share this, but hopefully someone will like it, anyway. If you've read this far, thank you so much for reading. <3 Kudos are always appreciated.


End file.
